I woke up alone. Bella was with the children. I felt that familiar sting of loneliness and, instead of simply accepting it, I had to make some barbed remark. Needlessly. Day four on methylphenidate. I cannot really feel the drug working. I caught myself hunting for a starter — something to fire the engine. I drove out for nicotine gum. In the car I found a caffeine tablet. I took one. A bit as though I were trying to start the system by hand instead of letting it come up quietly on its own.
I wrote a short note in the journal about it: “maybe
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